I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
MIDGETS
????
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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