OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
