Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
