Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
