You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
