I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
