I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
