So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
