I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
