I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
