Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
