that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
