I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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