just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
We smell like vodka and hangover
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
