is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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