K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
