he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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