I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
