Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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