Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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