at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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