I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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