Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
