Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
