Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
