Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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