i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
