she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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