you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
the liver wants what the liver wants
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
