I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
