The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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