I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
