you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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