I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
