sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
