his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
