whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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