I'm gonna have a badass scar
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
