my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
