your parents love me but you hate me
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I want to make a zoo with you.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
