I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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