3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
