News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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