If i come over, it means nothing
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
