stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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