She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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