Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
