Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
