You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
