my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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